I fell off the wagon.
It’s been, like, a minute. Barely a few days in. And, I slipped into the abyss.
I started off decent this morning. A protein shake and a cup of coffee. Without creamer, I might add, because I’m really trying.
And then, I saw it.
The dreaded take-out menu. At my job, we are lucky enough to earn frequent free lunches and today was no exception. I glanced over the menu and acknowledged the fact that this was from a new chain restaurant in town and this was somewhere I’d never been before. With my willpower razor thin at best, I opted for a taco salad because, duh, it had salad right in the title.
To my astonishment, and glee, when I opened the styrofoam container, I found a delicious mound of beef, beans, cheese, lettuce, salsa and sour cream. As a bonus, it was in a fried tortilla bowl. In the back of my mind, I knew this was not a real salad. But that one, tiny but mighty, carb-addicted wrinkle in my brain was teasing me, telling me that the menu clearly stated ‘salad’ so it was good for me.
I ate it. All of it.
Then, hell broke loose.
One bite of deliciously fried, crunchy, flour-packed heaven sent me into a tail spin that included three handfuls of M&Ms and a large glass of something else completely deceiving: green tea packed with fruity, likely-artificial flavor and sugar.
I plummeted. I hit hard. And then, I found that place where junk food-induced euphoria turns into deep, deep miserable guilt that only comes from cheating yourself out of something very important.
I have dreams. Big dreams. And, I postponed them because I let my stomach trick my brain into thinking I could handle temptation.
In the end, I can say that I learned a very valuable lesson. Know the food you’re putting into your body. As much as I love and appreciate getting a few free lunches here and there, I can’t let myself be swayed by a tasty menu. So, from here on out, I’m brown bagging all my lunches at work. I can then be sure I’m taking in only the food I’ve prepared and I can also be sure of the calories and carbs I’m ingesting. I don’t want to feel like I have to live on rabbit food forever, but I do have to get over the unbelievable urge to consume all things doughy and sugary, all the time.
Unfortunately, I’m aware that this has been my thing for a long time, so saying this and actually doing it are two very different things. I hope that through documenting this journey, I can, perhaps, hold myself more accountable for my actions if I’m forced to confess every time I screw up my diet.
Tomorrow is another day. Another chance. I’m blessed with another chance and I don’t want to have to come back here tomorrow and confess my sins again. I simply have to do better tomorrow and I will.